Photos. No Photos.


I had this idea about putting a bunch of random photos up on my blog, of my adventures from 2000-2005, then finally decided against it. Why? Dunno. Photos, especially photo albums, are weird. I mean, basically, they're just devices for helping your memory out, and you think, "Do I want to remember all this?" Sure, they were great memories, but at the same time I think about what an idiot I was back in the day, haha. Not that I've got it all figured out now, because I certainly don't. All that time I think about all the dumb decisions I made because my theology was still tainted by Finneyisms and weird fundy junk. "What if this decision isn't God's Will?" - as if I could know that. "Maybe if I pray harder, I'll get a word from the Lord." Knowing then what I know now, could I still have enjoyed those adventures? No. Not if they played out with the same results.

Oh, the freedom of grace and of the sovereignty of God!

Thank God for teachers (either directly or through books) that explained that while you can know some things about what God would have us do (as revealed in the Bible), you can't know God's step-by-step roadmap for your life (see James 4:13-17). We must live by faith. Faith that we can live by His Word, seek to please Him, and then the rest is negotiable. As Martin Luther said, "Love God and do as you please" - and God's desires will gradually become our desires. Grace - not antinomianism, but freedom from legalism. And the freedom to get on with things.

And so, thinking about the past brings recall of all the decisions I'd have made differently. Maybe I'd have moved to California. Maybe I'd have joined that one band after all (okay, well, maybe not). But God is sovereign, and He has a plan (even if He doesn't share all the details with us). God allowed me to think the way I did so that I would make the decisions I made to bring me to the point where I am now. For what purpose? I don't know. Well, in general, I do: His Glory. Specifically, I don't know. But there are no what-ifs. Dwelling on regrets seems pointless, almost like a lack of faith in God to accomplish His purpose. Never before did Romans 8:28 seem so true: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

It also reminds me of when I began to overcome my shyness in order to make dozens and dozens of friends. I finally realized that a few hundred shallow friendships (not meant pejoratively) are really hard to keep up with, and gradually I found I maintain a deeper friendship with maybe a dozen people, and so photos remind me of all the people I've lost track of. (And then there's MySpace where I can send my other two hundred friends a bulletin and avoid the formalities.) But the really bad part now is a lack of interest in meeting new people, because they'll just fall by the wayside too. If I decide "Is this a person I'd really like to hang out with a lot?", then I'll usually make the effort. How selfish of me. Actually, that's not always quite what happens. It's a weird tension. I'll make the effort to meet people, but not always make the effort to deepen the relationship because I figure they'll be gone soon as well. Which is dumb, because of course they be gone sometime or another, but we should be thankful for the meaningful friendships that we do have, when we have them. I guess memories are there for a reason.

Anyway, if you really want to see all my photos, you can ask me to see the hardcopies in person. :)

Labels: life