Building a Better Golem.

All mad scientists and aspiring supervillians, such as myself, need henchmen to do their bidding. I have tried Ninja-Clones, which are effective in large numbers, and Robot Soldiers, which are much more effective but expensive. And since I don't have the monetary resources (yet) to order a batch of Stormtroopers, I am experimenting with other different means of aquiring underlings (I still don't want to talk about the mind-control incident). The latest that I have found is the Golem.

What is a Golem, you ask? Well, according to the Jewish Magazine,

The golem is a very popular figure in Jewish folklore and legend. The golem is a manlike creature that is created by use of mystical powers that are to be found in the Kabbalistic lore.

The history of the golem goes back in recorded history to the time of the Talmud, which mentions several instances of Rabbis creating a manlike creature and using him to conduct errands. The most famous golem is the golem of Rabbi Yehuda Leow, the famous Maharal of Prague, who created a golem and after using him to prevent a blood libel, hid him in the attic of the famed synagogue of Prague. Legend has it that the golem is still hidden somewhere in the synagogue which still stands, having escaped miraculously the destruction of the Nazis. A statue of the golem stands at the entrance to the former Jewish area in Prague.

The word golem comes from the Hebrew word gelem, meaning raw material. The golem is outwardly a real person, yet he lacks the human dimension of personality and intellect. Life is interjected into him through a mystical process using God's special name. He is created from the ground, as was the first man. When his mission is over, the name of God is removed from him and he returns to the ground.

Okay, so I decided not to use dirt for the prototype, because that is so overdone. Unfortunately, not having access to enough iron or titanium, I decided to use old coffee grounds. I made a pot of coffee, drank it, and then began to shape the grounds into a humanoid form. At this point I realized that one pot of coffee was not enough to fashion a full-size humanoid, as I had only made one of its feet. So I started over and came up with a 8-inch high humanoid. (At this point I realized I probably could have made a plastic golem using a pre-existing action figure as a starting point, but I was already done with the shaping.)

Anyway, at this point I realized that the golem wasn't doing anything but lying there, so I hooked it up to a car battery to give it a jumpstart. It promptly exploded, sending coffee grounds in every direction of my kitchen. After cleaning up and refashioning the now-burnt grounds back into its shape (I had to use fat-free turkey gravy to hold it together), I checked my notes and realized that there were certain special Hebrew words that had to be spoken to activate it. Unfortunately, I had no access to any Hebrew words, nor a way to ascertain which words had to be spoken, as my AOL free trial had run out. I did have some hummus in the fridge, so I tried reading the label to it - nothing. I had a copy of The Prayer of Jabez that Floyd Paenut gave me for Christmas last year, so I read that to it - and it worked!

My coffee-ground golem got up and walked across the kitchen table. I told him to pick up the washing machine - and he did! I ordered him to go get the mail - and he did! So I ordered him to go attack the Hall of Justice, and well, that's when things got a little bit messy - not that he ran into any actual superfriends, but he happened to run into Guard-Noir, the Hall's groundkeeper, who promptly dispatched him with the Kosher Spade of Righteousness (never underestimate the variety of resources available at the actual Hall of Justice) and used him for mulch.

Oh well. Back to the drawing board.